What Do Men Really Want? There’s the stereotype, and there’s the reality. But the reality about what men want in women and from women is getting more complex by the minute. Men and their motives are evolving! Brad Coates is especially evolved – and the author of “DIVORCE with DECENCY” 4th Edition – (www.CoatesandFrey.com). Brad and Dr. Diana, friends for some 17 years – discussed the physical and emotional make-up of a man, the economics and careers, and men’s passages through the life cycle. The differences in men’s and women’s brains plays an important role, of course. Both men and women want love and sex…Tune-in to hear about the complexities involved. Part 2, August 2nd, will explore how men fare in relationships, romance, and sexuality.
Dr. Diana’s good friend and famous columnist April Masini (www.AskApril.com – where 26 thousand questions have been answered) had a very interactive discussion. Diana’s fiance Bryan called in because he also contributed to the piece – especially the “Synch Up” idea. This is where a skilled lover plugs into a woman’s breath and pelvic thrusts, following her lead. Listening to her vocalizations can be helpful because there may be a pattern. Bryan added that paying real attention to the woman’s pleasure pays off. His philosophy: Worship your woman and the Goddess will reward you! April asked Dr. Diana how she coaches guys who want more high-desire women. Women often need time to decompress (and feel safe) – so giving a massage first really works. It’ll be a turn-on for him to see her naked, and his caresses will release oxytocin. Later, put on some music and dance! Show appreciation: saying what you really value and appreciate about her. Also, paying attention works while actively listening. Pure, non-distracted attention is so seductive and very affirming! April also asked about ways to spice things up, avoiding the same-old, same-old. Engage all your senses – smell, hearing, touch, taste and sight. Light scented candles, play pulsating music, put fresh sheets on the bed, feed each other sensual foods, watch erotic films, wear sexy lingerie, dance, and smell your partner. Sensual sex can extend your pleasure! There’s lots more: tune-in for a most stimulating program, and read the article linked below.
April interviewed Diana. She had done this recently for a collaborative article – http://www.askmen.com/dating/vanessa_100/126_love_secrets.html .
The dirty little secret of many long-term relationships is that intimacy is great, but sex is a chore. The program’s topic: SEXUALITY and AGING was explored by Dr. Diana and her guest Lou Paget (www.LouPaget.com). Lou is a Certified Sex Educator, an international bestselling author of five books, and has been called “…a one-woman sexual revival.” Recent research in the field of aging and sexuality is sparse. Even Dr. Diana’s research in this area with Walter Bortz, MD was in the early 90’s – later published in two medical journals. In this era of 40 million Americans, of all ages, being in sexless marriages, rampant low sexual desire and dysfunctions, it is time to better integrate sensual touch. The true indicator of a healthy long-term relationship is not how often your partner touches you, but how often your partner touches you in response to your touch. The stronger the reciprocity, the more likely someone is to report emotional intimacy. But, many older folks don’t have a partner. Lou and Diana talked about touch hunger. Many older retirement residences need to accommodate late-in-life romances with more privacy. And, therapeutic massage can be healing and pleasurable! As for intercourse, sex can be satisfying without it, and many learn to appreciate the rich range of experiences sex has to offer. There’s more, of course. Tune in!
Sex after sexual abuse. Is recovery possible? Absolutely! This show’s focus was on men reclaiming healthy sexuality – but there are many cross-overs for women. Sexual abuse is harmful regardless of the gender of the perpetrator or of the victim. Marc Gilmartin – www.MarcGilmartin.com – is a licensed mental health counselor, a certified sex therapist and group psychotherapist with a private practice in Bellevue, Washington. For boys, non-consensual sex is about one in six. One faulty path arrived at is the belief that if any part of it was pleasurable, it wasn’t really abuse. The body is hardwired for pleasure; thus, the victim may believe his body betrayed him. Beginning to get therapy, one male sexual survivor said, “I want to put up a sign that says ‘closed for repairs.’” Marc also spoke about the Kinsey Institute’s dual control model of sexual response: excitability and inhibition. The program is filled with helpful information! There is individual, and group counseling available. Here are two excellent book resources: “Victims No Longer” by Mike Lew, and “The Courage to Heal” by Ellen Bass. Marc Gilmartin illuminated a number of pathways toward healing!
Gail Scott returned for a third time to the program – sharing her personal trauma to triumph story. When people say, “I have trust issues,” what do they really mean? Gail (www.GailScottinc.com) and Dr. Diana spoke about how great relationships are based on trust, and in order to build that bond we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Allowing yourself to be truly seen and deeply known, flaws and all – is actually the surest route to intimacy. FEAR can play a negative role…(Gail’s acronym is False Evidence Appearing Real). Fears often come up in sex which work against truly letting go! Stories are told in your head – based on past experiences where you were shamed or worse. Relationships can help you repair bad things that happened to you in the past; even nurturing relationships later in life can rewrite the neural scripts from childhood. When Gail was divorced she made a list and gradually became the list by looking in the mirror to see what she was attracting. Self-images can be deceiving…Think how other’s perceptions and your perception might differ. Life choices and self-improvement can open us to the potential bounty of our lives!
Only the language of touch can fully express what we feel – during ecstatic moments of joy or love, but also in moments of intense grief or fear. Carl Frankel (www.CarlFrankel.com) returned to the program. Dr. Diana and Carl focused on his TOUCH chapter written with Joseph Kramer in this amazing, informative book “Secrets of the Sex Masters.” Our sense of touch is essential to our survival. The conversation looked at how sensual discovery can be the goal! Sensuality is characterized by full absorption in the moment-to-moment experience of the senses. There are different sorts of touches: nurturing, therapeutic, sensual and erotic – and the progression is important! Good communication is mandatory. Carl Frankel is an intellectual – but he also has high E.Q. Tune in for a fascinating program!
April Masini (www.AskApril.com) and Dr. Diana enjoyed another provocative, informative discussion – their first in 2016. The numbers alone confirm her popularity: the Ask April advice column and interactive relationship advice forum is where almost 26 thousand questions have been posted and answered; she has 1.4 million Twitter followers and more than 620 thousand Facebook fans. The conversation began with an article and April’s interview within it – “Staying hot for hubby is essential for a successful marriage.” This created a firestorm of controversy! Some responding women said, “Men should love women for who they are, as opposed to what they look like.” Why does it have to be either or? Men are usually more visual. We discussed the possibilities of being anti-feminist and perhaps old fashioned. April did another interview with the Wall Street Journal regarding the male/female roles in dating and who should pay for dates. The pursuit of sex model of dating is really what informs much of these dynamics. The conversations extended to self-acceptance as well as love and power. Tune-in for a fascinating 60 minutes!
Gail Scott, a certified Coach and speaker (www.GailScottInc.com) returned to the program. Her father molestation created much trauma, setting her on a journey for sexual healing. Important steps involved learning about Tantric sexuality – exploring the body as a sacred temple, and doing more for herself (speaking up, slowing down) as she has continued to heal. Dr. Diana and Gail discussed how sex is the life energy that flows through the body and its energy centers (chakras) – heart, head, pelvis and so on. Partners can learn to channel this energy and ride it to maximum pleasure! This is an inspiring conversation. Tune in to learn more!
Marc Gilmartin (www.MarcGilmartin.com) has a unique specialization: working with adult men with sexual abuse histories, who may be erotically conflicted. The focus for this show was on porn literacy. We discussed: why call it porn; is it bad or good; is it sex education or entertainment; what does porn teach us? Dr. Diana and Marc talked about all of this and more! Porn may be a little like gun control – we should mainly be concerned with the state of mind of the guy pulling the trigger. If a man is feeling turned on, porn becomes a way of escaping from the relationship rather than just a harmless way to blow off some sexual steam.
Brad Coates, author of “DIVORCE with DECENCY” knows a thing or two about romance. He has been a frequent guest on this show and today we focused on what women want…female needs, desires, and behavior in romantic relationships. His book states, “Women want to hear ‘I love you and I understand.’ A man wants to hear ‘That makes sense,’ indicating a linear thought process.” It is really about your responsiveness to your partner’s emotions – and this responsiveness is what makes a relationship feel fair. Underlying this element is respect. Brad and I spoke about the trend that more single people are staying that way, not getting married. In fact, many more women are not re-marrying after a divorce. For those who do stay married and want help, I often talk about couples putting more play back into their relationship. Brad and I expanded on this idea – and more. Listen, please! (www.divorcewithdecency.com)